Somehow I learned not to, so now somehow I spend a lot of time learning how to again.

I wish I could remember more. I wish I could stop seeing things happening in my life as boxes to check off.

I wish I didn’t feel so much pressure to hurry up and get things done.

I wish that I could trust myself more.

I am learning that this is a process that takes time to unwind what I learned to do instead of trusting myself in the way that trusting myself feels true to me now.

Trusting myself, now, feels like talking out loud and listening to what I say. When I hear something that feels correct I trust it.

Do I though? Well that’s what I am working on. Trusting it.

‘It’ being what I hear myself say that feels correct.

I notice that a lot of this process is about communication. I have learned to be so good with my words. And also using them to make things feel okay when they are really not. One of the first things I used to stop doing when I was upset was journaling. I still find myself feeling that way, but not right now. Not in this chunk of time.

I write on here almost every day at the moment. And that feels really good. When I can remember to do this, it really helps me to work through whatever I am feeling or whatever I am thinking that needs to get out.

So this process is helping me to trust myself more too.

And so is letting myself cry.

And so is talking about how I am feeling, if there are words.

And so is telling people how I really am, especially if I’m not okay.

And so is telling people I am doing well and also what else is happening.

And so is asking myself how I am.

And so is allowing myself to not know.

And so is giving myself time and time and more time if I don’t know.

And so is noticing how excited I get when I discover something correct.

And so is repairing my relationship to my body.

That means loving myself as I am.

And so is learning.

Ohhhhhh so is learning.

Yes.

Learning is helping so much. It adds water to the seeds of authenticity, transparency, truth and direction.

That’s the garden I want to grow.

My garden of personal truth, love, direction and identity.

My personal garden of being here and now.

Tending to what needs support to grow, tending to what needs to be pruned and tending to what is here now by loving it, being with it and enjoying it.

Tending to past me, to be with present me, for future me.

This is trusting myself, in this moment.