There are so many dreams I have had. Actual dreams… like dreams that happen when you’re asleep. Day dreams, the kind that really take you away during your day. And dreams inside my head and heart about my desires for my life.

Those are the hardest I feel. Because they are the ones that I feel I can control.

Maybe I can make it happen… if I do this or if I do that. If I just try a little harder…

If I go to this class…

If I go into the studio every day…

If I train really hard…

If I say yes to this…

If I do this to get more experience…

If I work in New York …

If I move back to Ireland…

If I say it like this…

If I say it like that…

If I just try this…

If I just try that…

Awh it pokes my heart to think about all of the things I tried to do because I thought that I could somehow control my life. If I dreamed it hard enough then certainly there was something I could do for it to happen to me.

I bounced back and forth between hoping and trying. Both were desperate really.
Both were blind actually.

Both were blind unfortunately.

Both were blind, really blind.
Blind to all the resistance and bitterness.
Signposts of there being something really wrong.

Really wrong. But not failure wrong. Not mistake wrong. Just not correct for me.

Awh. Yeah. It hurts me to realize that I have to let go of dreams because they aren’t actually aligned.

But what is so beautiful right … is that they are like layers of an onion. Each dream that dies and transforms pulls back to reveal another deeper layer of what’s within my heart. So I keep peeling back these dreams to get to the essence of it all.

My true dream, true purpose, true drive. It’s to express myself. Well it feels like that. To express myself at the right time, in the right place, with the right people so that my gifts can shine bright with their service to the world.

When I was a little girl I used to want to be a mad scientist. That’s what I would tell people that I wanted to be when I grew up.

In my twenties, I wanted to be discovered. So badly that I would agonize over it. I wanted to be discovered as a brilliant dancer and choreographer and given all the resources that I needed to do my creative thing.

It was a slow and painful process to let that dream die and transform. Through the process I actually got to have some amazing experiences as a dancer and choreographer.

I’m not sure where it’s all headed now, but my dreams now feel like … feelings.

They feel like … wanting to feel ease in my life, successful, creative, loving. They feel like listening deeply. They feel like dancing in my soul for dancing’s sake.

They feel like discovering the deepest love, connecting through creativity and sharing myself with the world.

Layers. Peeling back the layers.

Heart, what is your deepest dream?
Mind, what is your deepest dream?
Body, what is your deepest dream?
Soul, what is your deepest dream?

The other day I had a dream that a mentor of mine was delivering a baby. They stepped away for a second and I had to step in and support the process. I caught the baby and handed the baby to the mother. My mentor came back and was upset with me… they treated me like it felt like I stole their moment that they were waiting to get credit for.

Interesting dream.

Dreams, man.
Where do they belong? What do I do with these dreams? They feel like animated desires. I can see them and sense them. Then I feel like I have to make them happen.

What happens if I don’t identify with them?

What happens then, eh?