I have been mulling this over for a while now. Over time I have been coming to a realization that I neglect, minimize, rush through or completely ignore my needs.

Now that I am able to see this, I am also having feelings about it. Sadness is one and anger another. Loss and grief as well. And tiredness.

It shows up in the simplest of ways as well. I read something the other day on Instagram about “power peeing” LOL. Seemed ridiculously cringey at first. I am working on investigating my tendency to cringe at a lot of things.

Anyway, it stuck with me. That concept. I started to realize that I am always in a rush when I sit down to pee. Usually it’s because I really have to go. This really stuck with me. I have been contemplating it since the weekend. I am wondering now if I am always in a rush because I have learned to ignore my needs as long as I possibly can. Am I doing that without even realizing it?

I feel sad about it because I realize that I have learned to shrink myself so much that this shrinking even includes my basic needs.

I rush through almost every meal. I’ve been drawn to mindful eating and that’s no coincidence to me.

I have survived off of the bare minimum that I can, financially, for as long as I have been in a position to have to make my own financial choices and money. This one hurts me a lot.

Scarcity. Lack. Even for my basic needs.

And I am doing it to myself. That hurts the most actually. That is what hurts the most.

Do I really have to rush when I use the bathroom?
Do I need to eat as quickly as possible?

I notice as well that I wait until the last possible moment for both things too, so then I have no choice but to rush.

Some sort of programming that’s like “oh those things aren’t important”, “they can wait”, “this is more important instead”.

So there is a lot of unlearning that needs to happen. And probably has been happening this whole time otherwise I’m not sure I’d even be able to be here writing this.

I am glad about that part. To be here. Writing this.

Very glad actually.