I have a pattern. I have many patterns. Many many patterns.

One of them is avoiding conflict, confrontation and communication if I feel like I am upset about something and I can’t share it with that person.

Another is protecting myself by avoiding how I feel or trying to push it aside around other people orrrr treating them badly so that they will leave me alone when I am upset.

Another is being negative, extremely pessimistic and lying to myself.

These are low frequency, these are survival mode, these are protection.

I am pattern interrupting lately. It is tiring me out. However, I am feeling for the first time in my life that I am willing to take the risk of seeing what life would be like without these patterns.

For a long time I didn’t even really know that I had these patterns. I was doing them of course, but I was living in them so deeply that there was no separation enough to even bring awareness to it.

And who wants to admit that they lie to themselves…. Really. Who actually wants to admit that? Not I haha! But I am. Because I am realizing that whenever I am not letting myself acknowledge any discord in how I feel and how I am showing up, I am not honoring myself. Knowing that something is there and not acknowledging it or choosing to do something that forces me to not even take that thing into consideration, well that feels like I am deceiving myself.

So how am I supposed to trust myself then?

That is what I am working on now. What I am committing to. Rebuilding my trust with myself. Being aware of what I am doing and what is being left out, sacrificed etc.

Not all of my relationships are ones where I can be fully myself. In fact it doesn’t really feel like there are any, despite the amount of people who I know love me and I love them deeply too.

The first relationship I need to have where I can be fully myself is the one I have with me. It’s been tricky to see through the veil of protection through which I wasn’t able to acknowledge that I don’t fully trust myself.

So to be here now, being able to have words for this, I am feeling blessed.

I have spent a lot of time alone in my life already, but I know that as life goes on I may end up spending much more time alone. I don’t want to feel scared of being with myself. I don’t want to feel like I could be doing something better.

I don’t want to feel like I need something else or someone else outside of me to comfort me with what I am experiencing. Those things are wonderful to have, but not as a need. I want to be able to trust myself fully and first because I know that all of my relationships will be full of even more love as I continue on this journey.

So I continue to orient myself to that. These past couple of days have lightened up enough to reveal this wisdom to me. For that I am grateful. And on my favorite day too.

Sunday, where the world feels a little quieter and hearts feel a little more tender and nourished. Rest is welcome and reflection encouraged. Delight for simple things and time with loved ones allowed. A beautiful day all around. Here I am. Learning and relearning to trust myself deeply.