Today … well today I feel I have been given a new lens through which to look at the world.

There has been a lot of time for me to be with myself these past 12 days and I have learned so much about the spectrum of my own human experience.

I’ve also seen how fortunate I have been, physically, to be on one end of the spectrum, the one where I feel really really well on a daily basis. I don’t even think I realized how well I felt all the time until now that I have known how deeply unwell I can feel.

And I have also come to grow a deep love of where I have come from. I have discovered a lot about the futility of anticipating things I am afraid of. And I have truly had at least one experience now of understanding that we are given exactly what we need and what we are prepared to move through.

That part…

I was so afraid of so many things that I experienced this year. And now that I have experienced them, lived through them, I have learned a lot about the unnecessary stress I have caused myself with worry. I had to use many of the tools I have learned over my adulthood to manage anxieties and fears and worries and extreme pain. But when it was happening, I was just in it.

This is what I have truly truly learned. I am here to be fully embodied and transfixed in the present moment. There is no other option that truly allows me to experience and utilize all I have learned and been given. Anything less is a disservice to me.

So when I can, I have realized the importance of truly doing what feels blissful. This is for me, personally. It’s not some generic one size fits all phrase. I have actually felt that this generic advice of ”do what you love” is a bit abusive to me. Because I am not here to force myself to make a living out of doing what I love. I am here to see. To follow my bliss. In my own way.

I get upset about how much I feel this world is build upon homogenizing us all. And yet I have learned a great deal about what makes me feel connected to the whole world in this little solo adventure I have had.

That there can be connection, awareness and love without homogenization is a beautiful vision I hold for the world.

These days I express myself because I have learned it is my duty to refine this self expression and do what is true to me. I try to commit to things but it doesn’t always stick. Until it does.

And that is a beautiful thing.

I didn’t know that I would feel better until I did. The mystery of life… because I truly didn’t know the experience until I had it, yet somehow there was this deep knowing that it would come and I would know.

So a little more trust has been developed, through experience. Whew. Thank you.

intentional self expression strikes again. i love you B.