When your name comes up, I feel triggered.

Text message, phone call, photo, doesn’t matter. I feel a flash of heat and a wave of anxiety or anger through my body.

My mind starts racing with thoughts.

Nothing can be done just yet.

I am afraid to feel all of this but it is time.

I do not want your presence to have such a strong hold on me.

I do not want to react that way when you come up.

No more.

There is a huge HUGE honoring that is waiting to happen.

My heart is knocking at the door asking me to please soften into this.

It scares the heck out of me. I am enraged.

I feel that you completely failed.

So what am I supposed to do with all of that?

It cannot live within me anymore.

I am still working through it.

The different phases.

The one where I want to call you up and scream at you. The one where I won’t move forward until you know what you did and I feel like you are actually sorry about it. The one where I pity you for being so miserable. The one where I expect you to take responsibility for your life and actions and emotions because I am. The part where I am overcome with questions and feel like I need the answers in order to move on. The part where I want to cut you out. The part where I am afraid of you.

And that part.

Well that part bleeds the most and cuts the deepest. Why am I afraid of you? What kind of horror do you possess that I am so afraid of you?

Venom in your words. Torture. Are you even okay? I know the answer is no.

There is no way you can be. Not after everything we’ve been through that I am aware of. I also cannot even imagine how much is added by stuff that you’ve been through that I am not even aware of. Are you aware?

Are you even allowing yourself to feel it?

Life is suffering. So much suffering.

So how do I proceed with this? This nightmare of a situation. Have I hit complete destruction? I’m not sure.

What will I do until then? I am not sure.

And I am not going to force myself to act or let anyone’s requests that I act, take me out of this deep period of honoring myself.

So I am sorry, but no. No response from me just yet.

And I love you still.